Do you ever wonder if people really like you?
Maybe you’ve just met someone and can’t tell if they’re genuinely interested in you or just being polite. Or perhaps you’ve known someone for a while, yet you still question whether they truly enjoy your company.
If this sounds familiar, there’s good news — what you’re feeling is actually very common. It’s something psychologists call the “Liking Gap.”
What Is the Liking Gap?
The Liking Gap is the disparity between how much we think people like us and how much they actually do.
In 2018, psychologist Erica Boothby and her colleagues conducted several studies exploring this phenomenon. The results were fascinating.
When strangers met for the first time and had a conversation, both people believed that the other person didn’t like them as much as they actually did.
This same pattern was found among people who interacted over a longer period — such as roommates who lived together for an entire academic year. Despite spending significant time together, individuals still underestimated how much they were liked.
That’s when Boothby and her team coined the term “The Liking Gap.”
In all these studies, participants consistently rated themselves as less likable than others perceived them to be.
Why We Experience the Liking Gap
Interestingly, this isn’t just a problem for people with low self-esteem. Even those with high confidence experience it.
Research suggests that the Liking Gap typically begins around age five — when we first start becoming self-conscious about how others see us. From that point on, we start to overanalyze our interactions and worry about how we come across.
So why do we do this?
Because we tend to critique ourselves far more harshly than anyone else does.
Think about it — how many times have you left a social event replaying every little thing you said or did, convinced you sounded awkward or unlikable? Maybe you thought, “I can’t believe I said that. They probably think I’m weird.”
I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this too. After social situations — especially evening events — I sometimes find it hard to sleep because I keep replaying conversations in my head, critiquing myself and imagining that others didn’t like me as much as I’d hoped.
But here’s the truth: most of the time, people like us more than we realize.
How the Liking Gap Affects Relationships
When you assume someone doesn’t like you, you naturally start to pull back. You might be more guarded or even avoid reaching out again because you don’t want to risk rejection.
But here’s the twist — the other person might be doing the exact same thing!
They could also be experiencing the Liking Gap, thinking you don’t like them. As a result, both people withdraw, and a potential connection fades before it even begins.
This cycle happens more often than we realize — and it all stems from inaccurate assumptions about how others feel about us.
How to Overcome the Liking Gap
The first step to overcoming the Liking Gap is simple: awareness.
Just knowing that this illusion exists can help you stop overanalyzing your interactions. When you remind yourself that most people actually like you more than you think, you start to show up more confidently.
Here are a few practical steps to help:
- Assume you are likable.
Walk into conversations believing that others will enjoy talking to you. This confidence changes how you carry yourself and how others respond to you. - Focus on them, not yourself.
When you’re busy worrying about how you’re coming across, you stop listening and connecting. Shift your focus to the other person — it’s the fastest way to make genuine connections. - Be kind to yourself after interactions.
Instead of replaying every mistake, remind yourself that everyone has awkward moments — and that they probably didn’t notice yours as much as you think.
When you stop assuming that others dislike you, you’ll find it easier to form meaningful relationships — and you’ll feel more comfortable being yourself.
Final Thoughts
The next time you catch yourself wondering, “Do they really like me?”, remember the Liking Gap.
Chances are, they like you more than you realize.
So, relax, be yourself, and give people — and yourself — a little more credit.
If you know someone who could benefit from this, I hope you’ll share this post.