If you want to learn how to be more assertive, this post is for you. Below, I’ll share a six-step process that will help you confidently express what you want, what you don’t want, and what you’d like to change — in any situation.
When you follow these steps, you’ll not only become more confident in your communication but also ensure that you don’t cross the line into being rude or aggressive.
Step 1: Take the Initiative
The first step to being assertive is taking the initiative. Don’t wait for the other person to approach you or react to a situation — be the one who speaks up first.
For example, let’s say a server at a restaurant gets your order wrong. Some people hesitate to point it out because they don’t want to seem rude. But being assertive means politely taking the initiative and letting the server know about the mistake.
When you address an issue directly, it shows confidence and self-respect. Assertive people don’t avoid communication — they take control of it.
Step 2: Maintain a Pleasant Facial Expression
Your facial expression plays a big role in how your message is received. Whether you’re speaking in person or on video, try to maintain a pleasant, approachable expression.
If you look irritated or frustrated, the other person may feel defensive before you even start talking. Sometimes, smiling before you speak can help set the right tone. It shows that you’re being respectful — not confrontational.
Step 3: Don’t Start with an Apology
When addressing a concern, avoid starting with phrases like:
- “I’m sorry to bother you…”
- “I hate to bring this up…”
- “I feel bad for saying this, but…”
While these may seem polite, they actually minimize your request and undermine your confidence.
You don’t need to apologize for bringing up something that matters to you. Being assertive means knowing your voice has value — and that you can express yourself respectfully without diminishing your point.
Step 4: Be Respectful, Not Personal
Assertiveness is about addressing the issue, not attacking the person. Stay respectful, even when you’re frustrated.
Most of the time, mistakes or misunderstandings aren’t intentional. Keep that in mind when bringing something up. Your goal is to resolve the issue, not to make someone feel bad.
By focusing on the problem and not the person, you create space for collaboration instead of conflict.
Step 5: Be Specific (Not Vague)
This is a common struggle — especially for people who want to be polite. You might think that being vague sounds nicer, but in reality, it just makes your message unclear.
For example, instead of saying, “I wish things were done differently,” be specific: “I’d appreciate it if future reports were sent by Friday morning so I have time to review them.”
Being specific doesn’t make you rude — it makes you clear. And when you combine clarity with respect and a pleasant tone, you come across as confident and professional.
Step 6: Show Appreciation and Stay Calm
Once the issue has been addressed, don’t forget to thank the other person. A simple acknowledgment such as:
- “Thank you for understanding.”
- “I appreciate you making this right.”
- “Thanks for the apology.”
can go a long way in keeping the communication positive.
However, if the other person becomes defensive or emotional, don’t mirror their behavior. Stay calm, composed, and assertive. Matching their emotions will only escalate the situation.
If needed, step away and revisit the issue later — or escalate it to someone else if necessary. The key is to remain respectful, not reactive.
Final Thoughts
Being assertive isn’t about being aggressive — it’s about standing up for yourself with respect and confidence.
To recap, here are the six steps:
- Take the initiative.
- Maintain a pleasant facial expression.
- Don’t start with an apology.
- Be respectful, not personal.
- Be specific and clear.
- Show appreciation and stay calm.
Practice these steps, and over time, you’ll find that being assertive becomes more natural — and more empowering.
If you know someone who could benefit from this, feel free to share this post.